A few days ago, a good friend of mine introduced me to a song called 'daydream'. This song has one of the most beautifully written lyrics I know. And its message is something to think about. Singer–songwriter Lily Meola sings about how as kids we are allowed to dream big, but when we grow up we are told our dreams are too risky. So we go to college for our plan B.
I was blessed to have parents who always supported whatever dream I had as a kid. Whether it was the dream to become a pilot, a dolphin trainer (did we all have this one?), an interior architect or a wallpaper designer (yes, not kidding). My parents would always look at my wallpaper designs (and they were many) with love. They would get me the right notebook to draw floor plans. They even organized that my brother (who at the time also wanted to become an architect) and I could visit a friend of theirs who was an architect to learn about it. Usually these dreams were phases, some lasting longer than others. But for a very long time I had one dream in particular. Since I was about 8 years old, I wanted to become a fashion designer. It started as a phase like the others. But this one was persistent. Still, my parents supported me every step of the way.
So when I asked my mom to teach me how to make clothes at 10 years old, she did. And when she taught me all she knew, she sent me to my grandma. Eventually she just send me to sewing classes, where ended up going every week for almost six years. We went to art and fashion museums all over the country. When I was in high school and everyone was looking at universities, my mom went with me to art academies and fashion design schools all over the country and even across the border. My parents were okay with me taking a gap year to work, work on my portfolio and to live in Milan the second half to learn Italian and do a fashion design course in preparation. This is also the year I started applying for schools.
As you might know, I am not currently a fashion designer. Truth is I never got into an art academy or fashion design school. Since my plan A to Z had been fashion design, I ended up blindly applying for two study programs in a city I had only been once or twice as a kid. The programs looked interesting on the university's website and I was really not planning to stay there anyway; I would work on my portfolio and start applying for art academies again the next year.
That was five years ago. I never worked on my portfolio and never applied for an art or fashion academy again. Not because I gave up on it, but because truthfully the dream passed. As soon as I started my studies, I loved them both so much I did not want to quit. When I tell people this story I usually get one of the following two reactions: either they try to reassure me that I can probably somehow combine my current studies with fashion at a later stage, or they say that it is probably for the better that I am doing something else now because becoming a successful fashion designer is hard.
My answer to the first reaction is that I am okay with my fashion design dream having passed. I have found new dreams and that is okay. Don't get me wrong, I have grieved that dream for a few years. After all, it had been such a big part of my childhood and teenage years. I felt like I somehow failed my younger self. But now I know that it I did not fail her. Because it is not about fulfilling your dream, it is about the dreaming itself. The point of life is not to succeed at reaching a destination, but to love the direction you are taking.
That also brings me to my answer to the second reaction: that something is hard does not make it less worthwhile to pursue. However, that sometimes is what we learn.
I have been blessed with supportive parents. I never had them tell me that my dream would be too risky or too hard. No one ever told me that I should start thinking about a 'real' job (or they did but I did not listen). Most parents want the best for their children, but what they believe that best is can be different. I think it is important to realize that before judging any parent, but it is also important to analyze where your and their belief on what is best is coming from. Parents that have struggled with money and stability their whole lives are for example more likely to tell their children to pursue a secure and stable income. Stability certainly is important in having a good life, but, paradoxically, I think that we too often anxiously hold onto stability and forget about the natural flow and inevitable change of life. And although stability can reduce anxiety and stress, it does not always equal happiness.
Paradoxically, we anxiously hold onto stability to not experience the anxiety of change. Which means we essentially are always in a state of anxiety. The safest way is to accept that everything changes, to give in to the flow of life.
We grow up in an environment where money and success equal happiness. Many people become so scared of failure that they fail to try anything that might be too risky. If not your parents, there will be other people warning you to not be too risky, and so you will learn that it is safer not to. And what you tell yourself, you will tell others. Hence, we end up in a vicious circle where we make each other belief that dreams will be dreams, or that they will fade away after childhood.
But what if we turn the narrative around? What if we take away the emphasis on outcome and focus on the process. What if is not reaching the destination or not that determines failure, what if it is not trying in the first place. I did not fail my younger self because I am not a fashion designer (or anywhere close) right now. If anything, I championed for pursuing that dream as long as I had it.
As Lily Meola sings:
Your dream ain't big enough if it doesn't scare the hell out of you. If it makes you nervous it is probably worth it.
Why do we massively talk each other into giving up our dreams and pursuing a stable life that is (in a lot of cases) not fulfilling?
I had parents that kept supporting me in trying to live my dream. And their support and my stubbornness (family thing) was so strong that I never listened to the few that doubted me. Allow me to be your supportive friend. I believe in you! Keep dreaming and keep working towards making that dream a reality. Because the point is not to fulfill your dream, the point is to not give up on a dream when you have one. The point is to keep dreaming.
We all got these big ideas, one day they are replaced with fears. Don't quit your daydream, it is your life that you're making. – Lily Meola
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