One year ago I came back from a one month Mamé dieta with the Indigenous Yawanawa in the Brazilian rainforest, under guidance of Isku Kua. Although I have been (and am) very open in sharing my experiences in one-on-one conversations, up to now I did not feel like sharing it online so much. But now I feel that it is time.
In this blog series I will open up about my experience with the medicine of uní (more commonly known as ayahuasca). What did ayahuasca feel like for me? Why did I do it? How did I choose the retreat? And are you ever ready? And I will share some of my experiences from the Mamé dieta: a month in which I did not drink water, ate little, got VERY sick, took uní about 15 times, lost 10kgs, found rhythm and learned how to make music, felt the most unconditional and infinite love I have ever felt, learned so much (and not nearly enough) about the philosophy and cosmology of the Yawanawa and met beautiful people that feel like family to me now. 🤍🤍🤍
First, I will share a bit about my experiences of the ayahuasca retreat I did in September 2023 by telling something about what the retreat included, how I prepared, and how I experienced my first three ceremonies. The retreat is how I got in touch with Isku Kua and his family, and what led me to do the dieta.
The retreat from Uní Retreats
We were picked up on a Friday at a meeting point in Rio de Janeiro. From there we took a two hour road trip to the mountains of Itaipava, to the Akasha Retreat Center. We had our first introductions and were led to our cabins, also meeting our roommates. With 22 years old, I was the youngest one attending the retreat and shared my room with the oldest participant, a 70 year old British woman with a brilliant sense of humor.
That evening we took part in an Inípi (sweatlodge) in the Lakota tradition, led by Wakia Un Manee (member of the Klamath/Modoc nation and raised with the Lakota and Ojibwe) and Adriana Ocelot (medicine woman, sweat lodge leader, sun dancer in Tamoanchan, Mexico, leader of Vision Quests, moon dancer at Ollintlahuimeztli in Teotihuacan, Mexico, and leader of the Moon Dance Menee Waka Meztli). I had been very nervous for the sweatlodge the weeks before as I had not been in a sauna since I was a child. Luckily, I had tried and enjoyed the sauna in a surfhostel in Rio I had stayed in the days previous to the retreat. At the retreat my roommate and a British man who had done plenty of sweatlodges before further encouraged me that it would be okay. And it was. I came out of the sweatlodge super relaxed, enjoying the cool natural pool on the property.
The second day we did morning introductions and an integration circle in which everyone got to share why they were here. It was very interesting to hear different motivations and sentiments for doing ayahuasca. Some had done it before, for some it was the first time, some were very nervous, and some had doubts on whether it would work for them. We were also introduced to the members of the Yawanawa families that would guide the ceremonies and activities that week: Chief Isku Kua Yawanawa, Nawashahu, Tuikuru, Vari Txanu, Keyánî Yawanawa, Yawakanah, Tapi, Saná, Api, and Ayá.
That same evening we had our first ceremony. The next days there were cultural activities, including hearing some of the origin stories of the Yawanawa, learning how to make hapé (tobacco snuff). With one day in between the ceremonies, on the fifth day we had our second ceremony. This was again followed by cultural activities, including a herbal bath and traditional games of the Yawanawa. On the seventh day we had our third and final ceremony.
The eight and final day, we had an integration circle in which everyone got he chance to share their experiences and say words of gratitude. Multiple people cried when sharing their story, I did too. And everyone laughed. We had all grown very close over the past days and I know that every single one of these people will always have a special place in my heart.
During the days there was absolutely delicious food provided by a team of kitchen staff, we shared life stories and our experiences of the ceremonies during the meals, we played games, we danced and sang, and had time and space to relax and let the ceremonies sink in. Throughout the week there were also guardians of the retreat with whom you could always talk, express your feelings, and ask your questions.
Preparation
To prepare for the retreat, we were recommend to avoid certain foods and practices three days previous to the retreat. This included refined sugar, industrialized food, fats, meat, alcohol and sex. From what I have heard, most facilitators of an ayahuasca ceremony or retreat will ask you to go on a similar diet beforehand. Some will require you to restrict certain foods and practices two weeks beforehand, some will advise it. For this retreat it was recommended to get a deeper contact with the medicine, so I adhered to the recommendation.
Before arriving at the retreat village, everyone had an individual call with a specialized psychologists to go over certain questions and relevant information of your psychological state or past, and to ask any remaining questions. After the retreat we were offered an individual integration session. Before booking the retreat and throughout the preparation period I could ask all my questions to one of the guardians (experienced people who support the ceremonies and everything around it to make sure that everyone is okay) over Whatsapp, which felt good.
Other than the recommended preparation given by Uní Retreats, I journaled a lot the weeks before so that I could enter the retreat and the ceremonies with clear intentions. My purpose for this retreat was to make steps in the healing of certain aspects in my life and to understand specific recurring patterns in my life better.
My experiences of the ceremonies
The first ceremony was in the evening after a light dinner. Earlier that day we had gotten our faces painted in traditional Yawanawa patters, so it was a special sight to see everyone sit inside around the fire. The air was filled with an atmosphere of anticipation as Isku Kua explained how the ceremony would go. If it was your first time working with the medicine, like it was for me, you got a little less than people who were already more experienced. That way we were introduced to the workings of the medicine in a more gentle way. During the first half of the ceremony the medicine opened two more times for those who felt like they wanted another serving. The first half of each ceremony was spent sitting, guided by chants of the Yawanawa. During the second half, when the serving of the medicine closed, the chanting became singing led by instruments and we were invited to dance around the fire. You could get up to go to the toilet or to throw up outside at any time, but other than that you were expected to spend most of the time in the ceremony space.
I remember the medicine being brought in in jars. It had a dark purple colour and was thicker than I had imagined. First the people from the Yawanawa were served, followed by the guardians and the people with experience, and finally the newbies. I received my first serving from Txanu and was surprised by the taste. I had expected it to be horrible, but it tasted a bit like a sour smoothie. My body soon learned though and by the end of the week, the smell already made my stomach turn. That first night, for me the working of the medicine started out very gentle. So gentle, that I got nervous that it would not work for me. The first and second serving had barely had an effect, so when the third round of servings opened, I went twice. A few minutes after taking my fourth serving, I went to the toilet and the floor started moving. It usually takes at least half an hour for the medicine to take effect in your body and spirit. So when I saw the floor moving, in a familiar way from previous plant medicine and psychedelic experiences, after only several minutes of my last serving, I knew it was not the fourth serving that had kicked in, but the third. In that moment I knew I was in for a ride. Shortly after coming back from the toilet I went outside to throw up. And it honestly felt great!!! The medicine was definitely moving through my body as I saw the plants moving towards me when I was hanging over them. I was purging energy that did not serve me anymore and could feel it very clearly. After I could not throw up anymore, I went back inside. There, I experienced the universe. I cannot explain it otherwise. It is what I learned the Yawanawa refer to as 'the force'.
I watched Star Wars for the first time several months ago, the force they are talking about there is definitely not fictive
In the force, I could see the fabric of the illusionary 'empty' space between everything and everyone, the air was (or is, actually) full of energy. I had my mouth open in awe the entire time and felt a deep love for everyone in that space going through their own experiences together. As my eyes were witnessing the universe, I vividly remember feeling as if my thoughts and my ego were in a far corner of my consciousness. There was too much going on to be anywhere else than in the present. During the second half of the ceremony I danced and when I sat down, I deeply enjoyed watching people dance, fuelled by the light of their own soul. That too, I cannot describe otherwise. It was beautiful. The ceremony lasted until sunrise and when we came out we all had breakfast and shared our experiences with the people at each of our table's.
Although I had really enjoyed the first ceremony and was thankful for such a beautiful first experience with the medicine, the second one I wanted to go inward and so I set a very specific intention. And wow... did I go inward. As slow as I was introduced to the force during the first ceremony, as fast was I thrown into it now. Within what felt like 15 minutes my mind started spiralling to memories from when I was a child. At first, I thought I was steering it but the memories soon took over without me having any say in it. That night, I lived through the deepest pain I had ever experienced in in my life and encountered fears I did not know I had. Whereas the first ceremony was very visual, during this ceremony all the visuals were happening inside of me. I was experiencing fears and pain with my full being and about 80% of the ceremony I cried from a place of intense grief, my body constantly contracting of the intense emotions I was going through. The second half of the ceremony, I had no energy left to dance. I was exhausted. The second ceremony had started earlier in the evening, so we had dinner afterwards. When I walked out of that ceremony, all I could feel was exhaustion and regret. I did not want to know of these fears, I felt worse than before - or so I thought.
After a night of sleep, I woke up still exhausted - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I felt empty and drained. Having lived through depression when I was younger, the feeling felt familiar. What had I done? I asked myself. I initially did not want to do the third ceremony. I was scared and did not feel like I had energy inside of me left to go through any of this again. But that day we played traditional Yawanawa games, one of which included running around with plants. My roommate had not just gotten a plant, she was carrying what seemed like a whole tree. It was such a funny sight that I cried from laughter. Those games brought back some of the life inside of me I felt I had lost. That evening I shared my feelings with one of the guardians and two lovely people that already felt like family to me. The conversations gave me the courage to participate in the third ceremony, but I set the clear intention to not go inwards again. And so I didn't.
The third ceremony is the one that has stayed with me the least. I remember feeling the spirit of mother ayahuasca vibrating in my body and I remember beginning to energetically birth something, but the process also stopping again because 'it was too early'. And I remember dancing, a lot. Ayahuasca had listened to my request of not wanting to go inward and so it was a peaceful and easy ceremony compared to the first two.
Several days later, as I was slowly allowing the experiences to settle within my body, I felt deeply grateful for the profound insights of that second ceremony. At once, I understood that it had been worth more than a lifetime of therapy. Consequently, whereas right after the second ceremony I had regretted going inwards, several days later I regretted that I had not used the third ceremony to delve deeper into everything that had come up during the second. That became one of the main reasons I decided to do the dieta one and a half month later.
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