My arms are hurting as I am writing this, and I am having a difficult time not spilling my coffee because my hands are shaking so much. And it is all because of yoga. Seriously, whoever says that yoga is easy, has not done yoga properly.
As I was writing this in December 2023, I had been residing in a yoga house in Xela, Guatemala. There are several yoga classes a day, six days a week. For the past one and a half week, I had been trying to balance a schedule of 5-hour Spanish classes, working parttime with meetings in the morning due to the time difference with Europe, and doing a yoga class each morning. Without consciously realizing it, I had worked myself into a Dutch-paced rhythm of life: with no space to process how I felt about being here, and with an overflowing mind due to work and classes. Being happy that I had only committed to one full week of Spanish classes, I was happy to feel some more space within myself the second week. I figured I would use that space for yoga.
Thus far my intention during my practices had been to move my body and emotions. It was primarily the first that I succeeded in. And, not going to lie, the first yoga classes were physically challenging for me - even the supposedly easy ones. I had not been practicing in a long time and I felt that in every inch of my body. At the same time, I reminded myself that the physical aspect of yoga is entangled with a mental aspect. Is it truly your body that is telling you you cannot do a certain pose or stay in a position any longer, or is it your mind?
Not feeling as if my practice was moving any of my emotions, I shifted my intention completely to moving my mind. Determined to challenge my limited beliefs of what my physical body can do I showed up at the intermediate afternoon's yoga class, determinant. Although I had been sufficiently challenged during the morning classes, I decided that to challenge my mind, maybe the afternoon's class was exactly what I needed. During the class, I tried to push my body and mind to new limits, motivated by Kevin's (the teacher) firm encouragements. I came out of the class shaking. Especially my arms, which have very little strength compared to the rest of my body, had been struggling. That evening in bed I could not comfortably lay down on my side because some muscles in my arm would not be completely relaxed and there was quite literally no energy left in them.
Nevertheless, the next morning at 6:45am I found myself on the mat again. When my alarm rang, I regretted the promise I had made to Isa (the morning class teacher) after having missed her Monday morning class because I slept through my alarm. "Wednesday I will really be there!" I had said, and so sticking to my word there I was. I knew it was going to be tough. As usual, we started out sitting, regulating our breaths to long, deep inhales and exhales. As Isa guided us to lift our arms above our heads on an inhale, to then lower them in front of us on an exhale, I realized what I had put myself up for. Lifting my arms up already felt like a workout and in Isa's class we would be doing mostly plank and push up positions. Adhering to my shifted focus, away from moving my emotions, my intention was to listen to my body and observe my mind.
I pushed myself in downward dog: fingers flat on the mat, caderas up, rodillas extended, piececitos on the floor, stretching my back in alignment with my arms, head down, staring to my navel - why did my fingers lift of the mat? Moving back and forth from downward dog into pushup position my entire body was shaking. I felt my breathe dysregulating. "Come on Ils, long breathe in, long breathe out. Stop shaking damn it. Push through." My hands were sweaty and slipping off the mat, and my hip kept getting a cramp. In the context of a yoga class, I was suffering. I was frustrated as I encountered the limits of my body, but mostly those of my mind. Then, suddenly I felt tears streaming down my face and dripping on the mat. My body had been shaking so intensely that I had started crying. It was as if a wave of emotions that had been waiting to get out was finally coming through.
Notably, it was primarily during the practice, when my already tired body and mind were pushed to my limits of that day, that my emotions came unstoppably. In the final resting pose, shavasana, where I had hoped I could let my emotions out, my emotions held back again. It was a forceful reminder that the body, mind and emotions are intertwined, and all are practiced with yoga. But then why was I unable to move my emotions the previous week?
When setting the intention of moving my emotions in the previous week, it had been a mental intention. But you cannot mentally let emotions flow. What had been necessary in my case, was to play into the entanglement of the body, mind and emotions and push both my body and mind far enough that emotions could only flow.
And so, the lesson for me here, and perhaps for you to, is that when I feel that there is emotion stuck in my body, and moving my body does not help, I should try to challenge the limits of my body and mind. Because it is at these limits that the door to emotion will definitely break open.
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