I am currently in Aracaju, Brazil. Last week I was invited to visit some classes at an English school so that students had a change to ‘talk with a real foreigner’. With my blonde hair and being a head above everyone else I clearly was the foreigner. The students asked questions to get to know me and I answered. As I was answering the questions they asked me, I realized how questions become a framework within which we get to introduce ourselves. In any conversation where you don’t know the other person, what are the first things you ask? How is your image of the other person shaped by the questions you ask?
One of my anthropology teachers once told me that to the question ‘who are you?’ the answer can differ per culture. In more individualistic societies someone will sooner answer with their profession – I am a student, I am a philosopher, I am an anthropologist. Whereas in more collectivistic societies someone will sooner answer in terms of a relation they have to someone else – I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a good friend. Similarly, in some cultures heritage and ancestry is very important. In some circles or cultures last names are important to mention, meaning that family forms an essential part of someone's identity. In Russian the middle name is a patronymic and is derived from the father’s first name. In Hawai’i ancestry even includes the ancestry of the land, it is common to mention what island and what part of the island your family is from.
We rarely ask the very open question ‘who are you?’. It is more likely that you will ask questions based on the answer you yourself would have given to that question. For many that is: What is your profession? Where are you from? Can you tell me about your family? Because that is how you identify yourself and how you have learned to identity yourself within your culture. Hence, it is your framework to identify others.
I find this fascinating for various reasons. First of all, it shows that self-identity differs per culture. We’re all humans but we do not identify ourselves in the same way. Second of all, I find it scary because I feel like someone’s perception of me will be reduced to the answers I can give to their questions. And the other way around I am afraid I will not give the other person enough freedom to introduce themselves according to how they identify themselves, thereby missing a crucial part of their human experience – the actual thing that I am interested in.
This is why I am constantly working on what kind of questions I ask someone and why I like doing interviews about people’s philosophy of life. I am constantly learning how to ask questions that will give the other the freedom to talk about themselves and their worldview. And I hope that by attentive listening to their answers my next questions will be even better. This way of talking with people has allowed me to get people in a more genuine way and has brought me beautiful conversations with strangers and deeper connections with friends.
Next time when you are introducing yourself, or when you are asking someone else introductory questions, try to pay attention to what you say. Within what framework do you see your own identity? Do you like the identity-markers you are used to mention when introducing yourself? What questions do you ask others, how do they answer, and can you ask more open questions?
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